Category Archives: rhyming

Poem for Critique 015: Mother’s Day 12th of May by Stam Fasoulakis

Welcome to Morgen’s Online Poetry Writing Group and the fifteenth poem submitted to this blog for feedback. This piece is a rhyming poem by Stam Fasoulakis and was written especially for today (in some parts of the world, not here in the UK), Mother’s Day.

Please do comment in the section below telling us what you liked about this poem and, what if anything, the author could do to improve upon it. Thank you – it’s very much appreciated!

*

Mother’s Day 12th of May

Mother is one and only

as we all say commonly.

She for you will always stand up

if sadness or joy comes up.

A mother is a source of life

that do not forget in your life,

so give her a hug and kiss

to make her happy, don’t miss.

*

Thank you, Stam.

Folks – please do let us know what you think.

I write very little poetry (and then only to order) so I’m no expert and the only thing that leapt out at me the line, ‘She for you will always stand up’. I’ve never been a fan of inverted text and in some poems it’s done just to get the rhyming so something to be careful of. (NB. just my opinion).

**

StamStamatios (Stam) Fassoulakis was born in Africa, Alexandria of Egypt (when it was still a British Colony) from Greek parents (two generations back). In 1961 his parents decided that they had to repatriate to Greece as the Nasser regime and its strict measures for foreigners forced most of them to a massive exodus. He completed his High-school studies in Athens and after graduation, he studied Physics and Mathematics at the University of Athens. In January 1970 Stam immigrated to South Africa where he worked and studied Mechanical Engineering at the Technikon Witwatersrand Johannesburg (today University of Johannesburg) following a sandwich course. At the end of 1977 he returned to Greece and was hired by General Motors Overseas Distribution Corporation (G.M.O.D.C.) based in Athens and travelled in the Middle East Area from Greece up to and including Pakistan. He worked for them for 14 years, travelling in those “lovely countries”.

In 1991 GM decided to close down their Middle East office (due to the danger of aero plane hijackings and the drop in the Middle East business). He found work at an Opel dealer in Greece as an Aftersales Manager where he organised the department from scratch. After another 14 years of hard work, he retired at the end of December 2007. Since then he has worked as a translator English to Greek and vice versa, specializing in Technical and Scientific texts and documents. He speaks and writes in four languages (English, Greek, French and Arabic).

His hobbies range from reading various books (he has a library of 400) and writing poetry in rhyme (his blog is http://emmetrhpoihsh.blogspot.com) but says that unfortunately most of them are in Greek (“real Greek for you”). He has also written a book (paper, self published) with the title “Productivity and efficiency of a service workshop” but he admits that it is technical and too specialized so it didn’t have a broad reception, but the books sold covered the publication expenses. He also belongs to a black belt karate club (J.K.A.).

He has written poetry (mostly humorous) in rhyme since his early teens, which were published at his High School magazine. He is currently writing a memoire book (in Greek) with the title adieu (goodbye) Alexandria where he describes the feelings of a teenager that had to leave his place of birth. His aim is to translate it into English and see how it will be accepted. If only, he says, to write all the experiences in his life, they are enough to keep him busy until the end of his life.

***

If you’d like to submit your poem for feedback on this blog see Submissions and / for consideration for the weekly Post-weekend Poetry slot on my main blog, take a look here.

You can sign up to receive these blog posts daily or weekly so you don’t miss anything. You can contact me and find me on the internetview my Books (including my debut novel!) and I also have a blog creation / maintenance service especially for, but not limited to, writers. If you like this blog, you can help me keep it running by donating and choose an optional free eBook.

For writers / readers willing to give feedback and / or writers wanting feedback privately, take a look at my main blog’s Feedback page.

My online writing blog / Facebook groups are:

Morgen’s Online Non-Fiction Writing Group

Morgen’s Online Novel Writing Group

Morgen’s Online Short Story Writing Group

Morgen’s Online Script Writing Group

Thank you for reading this and we look forward to your comments.

Poem for Critique 014: Running Away From Death by Stam Fasoulakis

Welcome to Morgen’s Online Poetry Writing Group and the fourteenth poem submitted to this blog for feedback. This piece is a rhyming by Stam Fasoulakis. He says, “This poem reflects the situation in the Middle East with all the fights between fanatics and the suffering of innocent bystanders. We watch with apathy in the TV what is happening in the various Middle East countries (and not only those). This is sad very sad.”

Please do comment in the section below telling us what you liked about this poem and, what if anything, the author could do to improve upon it. Thank you – it’s very much appreciated!

*

Running Away From Death

People messed all over,

in the streets they rover,

bullets are flying around

mortar shells hit the ground

children dying next to their mother,

further down lies the dead father.

They left their home to save their life

but as they run away making a strive

they met death face-to-face,

he didn’t loosen his pace,

in a jiffy he uprooted their soul

their bodies now lying there, foul.

Welcome to the Middle East

where war like a thirsty beast

takes the life of any innocent bystander

as fanatics fight to strengthen their power.

*

Thank you, Stam.

Folks – please do let us know what you think.

I write very little poetry (and then only to order) so I’m no expert and the only thing that leapt out at me was ‘jiffy’ – it seems too light a word to use in the context of this poem, more suitable for Jeeves & Wooster (NB. just my opinion).

**

StamStamatios (Stam) Fassoulakis was born in Africa, Alexandria of Egypt (when it was still a British Colony) from Greek parents (two generations back). In 1961 his parents decided that they had to repatriate to Greece as the Nasser regime and its strict measures for foreigners forced most of them to a massive exodus. He completed his High-school studies in Athens and after graduation, he studied Physics and Mathematics at the University of Athens.

In January 1970 Stam immigrated to South Africa where he worked and studied Mechanical Engineering at the Technikon Witwatersrand Johannesburg (today University of Johannesburg) following a sandwich course. At the end of 1977 he returned to Greece and was hired by General Motors Overseas Distribution Corporation (G.M.O.D.C.) based in Athens and travelled in the Middle East Area from Greece up to and including Pakistan. He worked for them for 14 years, travelling in those “lovely countries”.

In 1991 GM decided to close down their Middle East office (due to the danger of aero plane hijackings and the drop in the Middle East business). He found work at an Opel dealer in Greece as an Aftersales Manager where he organised the department from scratch. After another 14 years of hard work, he retired at the end of December 2007. Since then he has worked as a translator English to Greek and vice versa, specializing in Technical and Scientific texts and documents. He speaks and writes in four languages (English, Greek, French and Arabic).

His hobbies range from reading various books (he has a library of 400) and writing poetry in rhyme (his blog is http://emmetrhpoihsh.blogspot.com) but says that unfortunately most of them are in Greek (“real Greek for you”). He has also written a book (paper, self published) with the title “Productivity and efficiency of a service workshop” but he admits that it is technical and too specialized so it didn’t have a broad reception, but the books sold covered the publication expenses. He also belongs to a black belt karate club (J.K.A.).

He has written poetry (mostly humorous) in rhyme since his early teens, which were published at his High School magazine. He is currently writing a memoire book (in Greek) with the title adieu (goodbye) Alexandria where he describes the feelings of a teenager that had to leave his place of birth. His aim is to translate it into English and see how it will be accepted. If only, he says, to write all the experiences in his life, they are enough to keep him busy until the end of his life.

***

If you’d like to submit your poem for feedback on this blog see Submissions and / for consideration for the weekly Post-weekend Poetry slot on my main blog, take a look here.

You can sign up to receive these blog posts daily or weekly so you don’t miss anything. You can contact me and find me on the internetview my Books (including my debut novel!) and I also have a blog creation / maintenance service especially for, but not limited to, writers. If you like this blog, you can help me keep it running by donating and choose an optional free eBook.

For writers / readers willing to give feedback and / or writers wanting feedback privately, take a look at my main blog’s Feedback page.

My online writing blog / Facebook groups are:

Morgen’s Online Non-Fiction Writing Group

Morgen’s Online Novel Writing Group

Morgen’s Online Poetry Writing Group

Morgen’s Online Script Writing Group

Thank you for reading this and we look forward to your comments.

Poem for Critique 011: In Honour of Women by Stam Fasoulakis

Welcome to Morgen’s Online Poetry Writing Group and the eleventh poem submitted to this blog for feedback. This piece is a rhyming by Stam Fasoulakis.

Please do comment in the section below telling us what you liked about this poem and, what if anything, the author could do to improve upon it. Thank you – it’s very much appreciated!

In Honour of Women

A woman is a source of life,

because of them we come to life.

Many years since then past

that they got freedom at last,

 

but many still live like a slave

and also forced in shame,

from the religion fanatics

to exploitation tactics.

 

But even women of Western civilization

are in a working slavery situation,

housewife, mother, employee and being a wife

trying to control everything together, what a life!

 

We bow to you dear all

that you manage after all.

We men are always in your need

even though the opposite we plead.

*

Thank you, Stam.

StamStamatios (Stam) Fassoulakis was born in Africa, Alexandria of Egypt (when it was still a British Colony) from Greek parents (two generations back). In 1961 his parents decided that they had to repatriate to Greece as the Nasser regime and its strict measures for foreigners forced most of them to a massive exodus. He completed his High-school studies in Athens and after graduation, he studied Physics and Mathematics at the University of Athens. In January 1970 Stam immigrated to South Africa where he worked and studied Mechanical Engineering at the Technikon Witwatersrand Johannesburg (today University of Johannesburg) following a sandwich course. At the end of 1977 he returned to Greece and was hired by General Motors Overseas Distribution Corporation (G.M.O.D.C.) based in Athens and travelled in the Middle East Area from Greece up to and including Pakistan. He worked for them for 14 years, travelling in those “lovely countries”.

In 1991 GM decided to close down their Middle East office (due to the danger of aero plane hijackings and the drop in the Middle East business). He found work at an Opel dealer in Greece as an Aftersales Manager where he organised the department from scratch. After another 14 years of hard work, he retired at the end of December 2007. Since then he has worked as a translator English to Greek and vice versa, specializing in Technical and Scientific texts and documents. He speaks and writes in four languages (English, Greek, French and Arabic).

His hobbies range from reading various books (he has a library of 400) and writing poetry in rhyme (his blog is http://emmetrhpoihsh.blogspot.com) but says that unfortunately most of them are in Greek (“real Greek for you”). He has also written a book (paper, self published) with the title “Productivity and efficiency of a service workshop” but he admits that it is technical and too specialized so it didn’t have a broad reception, but the books sold covered the publication expenses. He also belongs to a black belt karate club (J.K.A.).

He has written poetry (mostly humorous) in rhyme since his early teens, which were published at his High School magazine. He is currently writing a memoire book (in Greek) with the title adieu (goodbye) Alexandria where he describes the feelings of a teenager that had to leave his place of birth. His aim is to translate it into English and see how it will be accepted. If only, he says, to write all the experiences in his life, they are enough to keep him busy until the end of his life.

***

If you’d like to submit your poem for feedback on this blog see Submissions and / for consideration for the weekly Post-weekend Poetry slot on my main blog, take a look here.

You can sign up to receive these blog posts daily or weekly so you don’t miss anything. You can contact me and find me on the internetview my Books (including my debut novel!) and I also have a blog creation / maintenance service especially for, but not limited to, writers. If you like this blog, you can help me keep it running by donating and choose an optional free eBook.

For writers / readers willing to give feedback and / or writers wanting feedback privately, take a look at my main blog’s Feedback page.

My online writing blog / Facebook groups are:

Morgen’s Online Non-Fiction Writing Group

Morgen’s Online Novel Writing Group

Morgen’s Online Poetry Writing Group

Morgen’s Online Script Writing Group

Thank you for reading this and we look forward to your comments.

Poem for Critique 007: Walk Into Hell by Leanna Harrow

Welcome to Morgen’s Online Poetry Writing Group and the seventh poem submitted to this blog for feedback. This piece is by Leanna Harrow.

Please do comment in the section below telling us what you liked about this poem and, what if anything, the author could do to improve upon it. Thank you – it’s very much appreciated!

Walk Into Hell

I let you into my so called life
You paid me back with the jagged blade of your unrelenting knife

I foolishly let you touch my heart
I knew better from the start

You taught me well
As you walked me straight into hell

From this nightmare I will wake
With that all too familiar wrenching ache

Never again will I give my heart away
You saw to that on this very day

*

Thank you, Leanna.

You can read my feedback HERE.

LeanneLeanna Harrow grew up on the Central Coast of California where the beaches were pristine and the sunsets spectacular. She attended the school of hard knocks as traditional schools had too many rules and regulations. She raised four children who turned out happy, healthy, productive members of society. Each of her children grew up to possess her independent spirit and headstrong ways but are all awesome people.

For all of her love, time, and devotion, Leanna’s children have repaid her with the ultimate gift of grandchildren. They are her favorite past time and at present, she has four of them. Leanna’s sure that the future holds more of them.

KillingtheDesire_Draft book cover from DamnationHer hobbies include cooking huge meals for her extended family, a good game of billiards every now and then, reading a good book—as well as writing one, writing poems that pop into her head at the most inopportune times, listening to music as many hours a day as possible and people watching, especially men!

Leanna lives in North Carolina and her website is www.leannaharrow.com.

***

If you’d like to submit your poem (50 lines max) for feedback on this blog see Submissions and / for consideration for the weekly Post-weekend Poetry slot on my main blog, take a look here.

You can sign up to receive these blog posts daily or weekly so you don’t miss anything. You can contact me and find me on the internetview my Books (including my debut novel!) and I also have a blog creation / maintenance service especially for, but not limited to, writers. If you like this blog, you can help me keep it running by donating and choose an optional free eBook.

For writers / readers willing to give feedback and / or writers wanting feedback privately, take a look at my main blog’s Feedback page.

My online writing blog / Facebook groups are:

Morgen’s Online Non-Fiction Writing Group

Morgen’s Online Novel Writing Group

Morgen’s Online Poetry Writing Group

Morgen’s Online Script Writing Group

Thank you for reading this and we look forward to your comments.

Poem for Critique 004: A Storm Pantoum by Salvatore Buttaci

Welcome to Morgen’s Poetry Writing Group and the fourth poem on this blog. This piece is a pantoum by multi-genre author Salvatore Buttaci. Please do comment in the section below telling us what you liked about this poem and, what if anything, the author could do to improve upon it. Thank you, it’s very much appreciated.

A Storm Pantoum

One streak of lightning said to thunder,
“See how men tremble in our wake.
Look how our powers cause such wonder!
They hear and see us and they shake.

“See how men tremble in our wake.
For fear of fire and torrential flood,
they hear and see us and they shake.
Nature’s joint fury curdles blood.

“For fear of fire and torrential flood,
look how our powers cause such wonder!
Nature’s joint fury curdles blood,”
one streak of lightning said to thunder.

***

Thank you, Salvatore. I’ve only ever written one pantoum (a non-rhyming called ‘Writing a Pantoum’ – maybe I should put that up here!) and find the repetition so effective.

Sal reads from 200 Shorts1Salvatore Buttaci is an obsessive-compulsive writer whose work has appeared widely.  He was the 2007 recipient of the $500 Cyber-wit Poetry Award. His poems, stories, articles, and letters have appeared widely in publications that include New York Times,

U. S. A. Today, The Writer, Writer’s Digest, Cats Magazine, The National Enquirer, Christian Science Monitor, Poetic Bloomings, and A Word with You Press.  He was an English instructor at a local community college and middle-school teacher in New Jersey before he retired in 2007 to commit himself to full-time writing.

Flashing My Shorts and 200 Shorts, published by All Things That Matter Press, are available in book and Kindle editions at http://www.kindlegraph.com/authors/sambpoet

His two chapbooks: Boy on a Swing… http://www.thechapbookstore.com/buttaciexcerpts.html

And What I Learned from the Spaniard… http://www.amazon.com/What-Learned-Spaniard-Other-Poems/dp/B004W5859C

His new book, If Roosters Don’t Crow, It Is Still Morning: Haiku and Other Poems (Cyber-Wit Publications) is available at http://www.amazon.com/roosters-dont-crow-still-morning/dp/8182532698

A great seller since 1998, his book A Family of Sicilians is available at http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/ButtaciPublishing2008

He lives with his wife Sharon in West Virginia, USA.

***

If you’d like to submit your poem (50 lines max) for feedback on this blog see Submissions and / for consideration for the weekly Post-weekend Poetry slot on my main blog, take a look here.

You can sign up to receive these blog posts daily or weekly so you don’t miss anything. You can contact me and find me on the internetview my Books (including my debut novel!) and I also have a blog creation / maintenance service especially for, but not limited to, writers. If you like this blog, you can help me keep it running by donating and choose an optional free eBook.

For writers / readers willing to give feedback and / or writers wanting feedback privately, take a look at my main blog’s Feedback page.

My online writing blog / Facebook groups are:

Poem 001: His Mac by Ina Schroders-Zeeders

ina 25 april 2012Welcome to Morgen’s Online Poetry Writing Group and the first poem on this blog! This piece is a triolet by Ina Schroders-Zeeders.

His Mac

Between a winter jack and a nylon furry coat
his Mac is hanging there, as if he might return,
as if he isn’t dead at all. His scent is still afloat
between a winter jack and a nylon furry coat,
his boots – with all the dirt still from the road
attached, not cleaned – are nobody’s concern.
His Mac is hanging there, as if he might return,
as if he isn’t dead at all. His scent is still afloat.

***

Thank you for being my first submission, Ina. I loved it… and learned what a triolet is. 🙂

Veritas-Cover-3D-807x1024Ina is a Dutch novelist and author of the English poetry book “Veritas” published in 2012 by Winter Goose Publishing in California.

She has written about 700 poems since Autumn 2010. One of them has been published in “The Journal” a British poetry magazine, others have been published in anthologies and on her weblog http://inaweblogisback.wordpress.com.

Ina lives on the island of Terschelling.

***

Please do comment in the section below telling us what you liked about this poem and, what if anything, the author could do to improve upon it. Thank you, it’s very much appreciated!

If you’d like to submit your poem (50 lines max) and / for consideration for the weekly Post-weekend Poetry slot on my main blog, take a look here.

***

You can sign up to receive these blog posts daily or weekly so you don’t miss anything. You can contact me and find me on the internetview my Books (including my debut novel!) and I also have a blog creation / maintenance service especially for, but not limited to, writers. If you like this blog, you can help me keep it running by donating and choose an optional free eBook.

For writers / readers willing to give feedback and / or writers wanting feedback privately, take a look at my main blog’s Feedback page.

As I post an interview a day (amongst other things) I can’t unfortunately review books but I have a list of those who do, and a feature called ‘Short Story Saturdays’ where I review stories of up to 2,500 words (and post stories of up to 3,000 words). Alternatively if you have a short story or self-contained novel extract / short chapter (ideally up to 1000 words) that you’d like critiqued and don’t mind me posting it online in my new Red Pen Critique Sunday night posts, or posted for others to critique (up to 5,000 words) on the new Morgen’s Short Story Writing Group) then do email me. I am now also looking for flash fiction (<1000 words) for Flash Fiction Fridays and poetry for Post-weekend Poetry.